He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
