North Korea, Best Korea!
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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