I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
