Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
