just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
