boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
