Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
