I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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