Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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