so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
