Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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