shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I cannot find my penis.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
