Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
