I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
