I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
