I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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