the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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