She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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