Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
