I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
