So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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