spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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