If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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