Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
