Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
