you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
In America we eat man semen.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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