You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
