Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you