I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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