I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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