I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
