Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
