I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
