Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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