Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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