I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
