Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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