Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
