How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
