No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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