Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Can Purell be used as lube?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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