I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I need to stop coming to work sober
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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