i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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