she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
