So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
if only i could text you this smell
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
