My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
