I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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