i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
