You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
