Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Vodka?
Forever.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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