You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
