Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
they need to just BURY HIM!
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
