Umm I'm too high to move.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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