you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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