My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect