i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
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He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
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I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?