I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
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she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
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So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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